Tears of a Clown

Sasha K. A natural clown if ever there was one

Tears of a Clown. Those words have double meaning here. Tears from me regarding my friend Sasha. And tears from Sasha (a natural clown), which drove him to kill himself. It is hard for me to imagine the sadness and pain someone must feel to take their own life. But clearly Sasha felt something immensely enough to do it. For whatever reasons, he decided he couldn't live with his pain anymore.

Andy and Sasha performing at an airport

Sasha had a rough life to be sure. He grew up in an orphanage. I don't know what that is like personally, but I have met enough kids in orphanages with deep sadness in their eyes to have a small glimpse into it. Sasha surely had demons, and I guess the demons just overwhelmed him for whatever reasons. All I know for sure is He will be missed by many many people in Russia and beyond.

Sasha and friends in their early days with Maria's Children. Sasha is in the back row with a red shirt.

The hardest part for me is, every time I saw Sasha, he was always smiling and seemed truly happy. I haven't seen  him in 6 years, but I can still see his smiling face. One of the last times I saw him, he was proudly showing off his new uniform. He had finally graduated from flight attendant school and was embarking on a career. For those of you who don't know, that is no easy feat for an orphan of Russia. Many times orphans are labeled early in life as unintelligible or crazy, and this label makes it hard for them to get into any form of advance school. Sasha overcame that obstacle, with Maria's help, and was on his way to having his own life! A good life it seemed. Something in the past 6 years derailed that good life, and that just breaks my heart. I don't know many details yet, so I don't have any clue what derailed him. I do know that Maria is shocked and hurting as much as anyone else in the world. Sasha was one of the first children to go through Maria's program. He was the first kid that Maria and Ilya "adopted". Adopted is in quotation because they didn't formally adopt him. However, they did let him live with them. They helped guide him as if he was their own son. And he made something out of it all. Something exciting and real. Now it is gone.

Sasha with his younger "sister" Elya (Maria's daughter)

Sasha the flight attendant

Now after all the sadness I have felt over the past few days, it is the words of my dear and wise friend Guillaume that have helped me to put some of it in perspective. Guillaume is a humanitarian extraordinaire. He is currently in Greece clowning in refugee camps to try and bring a little love, laughter, and "sunshine" into a dreary place. He does it well too! After I emailed him the news he responded with this...   He told me about all the emotions he felt... sadness, being the obvious emotion.... guilt, like did he write Sasha enough or did he spend enough time with him.... anger, at the Russian orphanage system and parents who abandon their children... and his final wrap up in his own words was this...

"And then I thought of Maria's Children... this family he had. I thought of all the love and fun he found there. All the beautiful moments, playing and laughing with him. I'm really grateful for all that.

What if Maria's Children has never been there? Would he have killed himself many years ago? And what about the others kids? How many would have killed themselves, without Maria?

It is  horrible news... but it must not be seen as a failure. And it can remind us of why we are doing all that... and why Maria works so hard since so many years. The need is huge... the scars and the suffering are great. 

All we can do is we must answer with even more love."  Guillaume Vermette   

It is these words that I will cling to over the coming days, weeks, months, and years.

You can follow Guillaume here if you want or need to be inspired

https://www.facebook.com/ClownHumanitaire/

Like I said, Guillaume is wise. And so I too am forever grateful. Grateful that Sasha was strong enough to fight off demons long enough for me to have met him and laugh with him. He fought long enough to bring a lot of laughter and joy to many others, especially children. Kids would swarm around him to play and laugh. In my eyes he fought a good and long fight against his demons and I will forever love him for being that strong! Now he can RIP for sure.

The children of Beslan loved him so much! 

                                Now to end with another quote from our dear friend Andy
                                  "Heaven just got a whole lot funnier". Andy Emeritz

RIP my dear friend

                         Now go out and Hug Everyone!!!